by Dr Donna Henson
If you’re feeling lonely, take heart – you’re not alone.
In fact, one in three Australians admits to feeling lonely, and one in six severely lonely.
Many of them – 41 percent – are our younger cohort aged 18 to 24.
Why are we Australians, living a good life in the lucky country, so lonely?
You need to know that loneliness is not simply about being alone. You can be alone and not feel lonely at all.
Alternatively, you can have a large social network and a lot of contact with others, yet still feel lonely.
The difference is the common yet distressing experience of feeling that we don’t have close friends or we’re a burden or undesirable to others.
Academics sum up the feeling by saying loneliness involves a particular sense of unwilling solitude.
It’s ironic that we’re more connected now than ever via technology, yet 16.6 per cent of people still admit to feeling severely lonely.
Take heart, though: loneliness is a common experience and has little to do with proximity.
That’s reflected in the recent State of the Nation report Ending Loneliness Together which found the people we are least socially connected to are our neighbours – the people living right next door.
Research also suggests a key factor in our experience of loneliness is how we attribute, or explain, the causes of that loneliness.
For example, we may explain our loneliness as “situational”, based on temporary or external factors that we understand to be the result of circumstantial change.
Situational loneliness refers specifically to short-term deficits in relationships, typically as the result of circumstantial change like moving house and being far from our networks.
Chronic loneliness, in contrast, represents loneliness which is experienced for an extended period – past the point when situational factors seem to reasonably explain the experience.
This is something we must address ASAP.
This enduring loneliness appears to be associated with negative perceptions of the self and other, and devalued social interaction.
Another downside to those experiencing loneliness is that they suffer more chronic disease, more depression, more social anxiety and poor wellbeing.
It’s important then, when feeling lonely, we find a way to strategically assert a sense of control over our own circumstances and, in so doing, develop the social skills necessary to connect with others.
Although it’s not an easy ask, especially for the chronically lonely, we develop and maintain our closest connections through interpersonal communication over time.
So finding small ways to connect with others daily is a good place to start – for it is trite but true to note that small talk offers an entry point for intimacy.
The great paradox – and challenge – for the lonely is that while communication is the most effective coping strategy, it’s often the hardest to take if you’re feeling down, depressed, sick or shy.
Overcoming loneliness is also one of the key steps towards becoming happy or happier.
Strong relationships are the key – whether through family, friends, work or sport.
If you are experiencing loneliness, or you want to help someone who is lonely, here are some tips that might help:
■Actively listen; show you’re engaged and give others your full attention.
â– Be kind by offering help and support which can build more meaningful connections.
â– Go offline and nurture relationships in the non-digital world.
■Reconnect – it’s never too late to reach out to old friends.
■Start a conversation and share your personal stories – be open and positive.
■Get involved – sport and cultural activities are valuable, but connections that feel safe and supportive are key.
■Exercise – it has been shown to trigger the “happy endorphins” in the brain.
â– Eat well, sleep well and get some sunshine.
■Importantly, reach out for help, even if it’s just someone on the end of the line.
Dr Donna Henson is an Associate Professor of Communication at Bond University and researches rumination, gender communication and emotion.